how people-pleasing and anxiety go hand-in-hand
You said yes…again. Even though you were already overwhelmed.
You pleasantly smiled when something actually bothered you.
You apologized for taking up space; for simply being human.
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever felt the pull to make everyone around you comfortable at the expense of your own peace, you are not alone. People-pleasing is a behavior many of us learn early on (especially women!), and it’s deeply rooted to anxiety.
But here’s what most people don’t realize: people-pleasing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a nervous system response.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It’s often a survival strategy rooted in fear: fear of rejection, fear of disapproval, fear of conflict, or fear of abandonment. It is a trauma response. When you experience anxiety, your brain is constantly scanning for danger, even in social situations. And one way it tries to stay “safe” is by making sure everyone else is okay, even when you’re not.
This can show up as:
Saying yes when you mean no
Over-apologizing
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Constantly second-guessing your words or actions
It’s exhausting.
It’s unsustainable.
And it keeps you trapped in a cycle of anxiety.
This sounds awful, right? So…
why do we become people-pleasers?
For many, people-pleasing starts in childhood, especially in environments where love, safety, or attention were conditional. Maybe you were praised for being “an easy child” or “good” when you didn’t cause problems. Maybe you learned to keep the peace to avoid conflict or punishment. Maybe you were praised when you helped out around the house, or given positive attention when you complimented others.
Over time, that turned into a belief:
“If I make others happy, I’ll be safe.”
”If I speak up or set a boundary, I’ll lose love.”
These patterns get swept into adulthood and carried out in our relationships with others. Anxiety then feeds us worst-case scenarios. “What if they get mad?” “What if they think I’m selfish? “What if they stop liking me?” So we people-please to avoid these consequences.
the cost of people-pleasing
While people-pleasing decreases anxiety in the moment, we often feel greater anxiety long-term. Why? Because:
You feel disconnected from your true self
You suppress your own needs and emotions
You resent the constant pressure to perform or be perfect
You fear being “found out” or rejected if you stop being agreeable
The result? Burnout. Overwhelm. Inner emptiness. A constant hum of anxiety that never goes away.
so…how do you break the cycle?
It starts with awareness. Once you notice the pattern, you can begin to question it:
Am I doing this out of genuine care—or out of fear?
What am I afraid will happen if I say “no?”
What would it feel like to disappoint someone and still be okay?
This is deep, nervous-system level work. It’s not about flipping a switch, it’s about gently unlearning the belief that your worth depends on other people’s approval.
And yes, therapy, especially art therapy, can help you access and express those fears in ways that feel safe and grounded. Research shows that creative expression is scientifically proven to reduce anxiety, making it easier to forgo the “outside self” for the “true, authentic self.”
in conclusion…
You weren’t born a people-pleaser. You became one because you needed to self-protect, and people-pleasing brought safety. But you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to disappoint people (and you’re allowed to let people feel their feelings without making it your job to fix them).
ready to stop people-pleasing?
Fill out my contact form to schedule a consult and see how art therapy, anxiety therapy, or trauma therapy, can help you stop people-pleasing and start living to please the only person that matters — you!
