what we inherited: unpacking the parenting patterns of the boomer generation
If you’re a Millennial or Gen Z, chances are you’ve had at least one therapy session that turned into a conversation about your parents. Specifically, how their well-intended but flawed parenting shaped your mental health (i.e. anxiety, trauma), relationship patterns (i.e. attachment), and sense of self-worth (i.e. worth equates to productivity!)
So how did our Boomer parents influence the way we look at the world? Let’s take a peek — and then break down what we can learn from it!
Emotional Repression Was the Norm
Boomers were raised in a post-war world that emphasized survival, stability, and stoicism. Many were taught to “suck it up,” “tough it out,” and “be a man.” Naturally, these messages seeped into their parenting, leaving Millennial children confused about how to identify, process, and show emotion.
Emotions were often minimized, dismissed, or ignored. If you ever heard “you’re too sensitive”, “stop being dramatic,” or “it’s nothing to cry about,” you were likely being taught to suppress your feelings instead of process them. This emotional disconnection has contributed to a generation now struggling to feel seen or emotionally validated, especially when it comes to past trauma.
Success Was Prioritized Over Mental Health
To many a Boomer, success looked like a good job you’d stay at for 40 years, a house, and a 401K. There was no space for rest, creative expression, or even therapy. So when their children began struggling with anxiety, depression, or burnout, they didn’t always know how to respond.
Processing emotional distress was put on the back-burner. Instead of validation, Millennials were given messages to “just tough it out” or gas-lit into thinking “you have nothing to be depressed about.” Responses such as these led to a deep generational disconnect, leaving Millennials feeling unsupported, ashamed of their struggles, and generally anxious.
Love Was Conditional
Boomer parents often equated achievement with worth. High grades, good behavior, and compliance were rewarded, while emotions, rebellion, or neurodivergence were often punished or pathologized.
This created an internalized belief for many children of Boomers: If I’m not perfect, I’m not lovable. Now, as adults, many are unlearning perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the deep fear of disappointing others.
There Was Little Room for Individuality
Boomer parents often expected their children to follow the same life blueprint they did: college, marriage, career, kids. But younger generations are exploring alternative paths - and that can cause friction. The “When I was your age…” just doesn’t apply anymore, as people are waiting longer to get married, find the right career, and have children (if at all).
For women in particular, rejecting traditional gender roles has meant confronting parental disappointment or judgment. Boomers cannot fathom what it is like to choose to explore therapy over silence, or take a creative lower-paying job over a big paycheck. Creating boundaries over self-sacrifice? Well, you might as well be speaking a different language to a Boomer.
So…Were Boomers Bad Parents?
It’s more complicated than that.
Many Boomer parents were doing the best they could with the tools they were given from The Greatest Generation (an even more stubborn and emotionally depraved generation). The truth is, the tools they were given weren’t always enough.
Recognizing generational harm is not about demonizing our parents - it’s about acknowledging our wounds so we can stop the cycle. It means grieving the parenting we didn’t receive, while learning how to re-parent ourselves with the love, softness, and attunement we deserved. It means taking accountability when we mess up, (and we can encourage Boomers to do the same, even now!) It means learning how to identify, process, and express emotions in a healthy way, instead of shoving it down until it boils up as anger and rage.
What Can We Learn From This?
Acknowledging the wounds caused by Boomer parenting isn’t about staying stuck in blame - it’s about breaking patterns. And once we see those patterns clearly, we can choose to parent ourselves (and future generations) differently. Here’s what we can take from this:
Emotional Intelligence Matters. A Lot.
We know now that suppressing emotions doesn’t make them disappear - it just buries them deeper. We're learning to name our feelings, sit with them, and let them move through us. That’s powerful. That’s healing.
Mental Health Isn’t a Luxury - It’s a Necessity
Therapy, boundaries, rest, and nervous system regulation aren’t signs of weakness. They’re essential. We’re allowed to prioritize them, even if our parents never did. Untreated depression and anxiety do not have to be the norm.
We Don’t Have to Learn Love Through Performance
Perfectionism may have once been our survival strategy, but we don’t need to carry the burden of never being good enough forever (in fact, it’s not good for us and keeps us in a constant state of anxiety). We are worthy of love and connection simply because we exist…and we are enough.
We Can Choose Connection Over Control
Where Boomer parenting was often dictated by control, fear, or shame, we get to choose curiosity and openness - with ourselves, our peers, and our children, should we choose to have them. When we strive to truly understand another’s circumstance, we lessen judgment and fear, preventing new generational trauma from occurring.
